clear rants

I push around the last two cheerios drifting in my bowl of milk, imagining them as two inner tubes floating on a clear blue sea.  I’m sitting in one of them–my legs splayed lazily over the edge of the tube, the waves lapping at my toes. I’m calm. I can feel the heat of the sun on my body, but it doesn’t burn. I turn to look over at the other tube, but it’s empty. It’s just sitting there.

So I eat it.

Now there’s only 1 cheerio left in the bowl. I drop the bowl in the sink and let the cheerio float some more. My imaginary mini-me could use some more downtime floating in his ocean.

It listens
Though it hears nothing,
It sings
Though it has no voice,
It weeps
Though it has no tears.
Yet it trudges on
Until it dies
When it grows cold.

-me

It was dark and dreary outside when she woke up. Weather.com forecasted rain all day so she wasn’t surprised to be greeted by the gray. She slowly rubbed her eyes, rolled over and went back to sleep. She always set her alarm half an hour earlier than needed. She knew it was probably all in her head, but she relished that extra bit of energy she got from her pseudo-nap.

At 8:00am on the dot, she hopped out of bed, ready to get started with the day’s business. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she made her way to the bathroom. Wow. She was glad there was nobody around to see that monster in the morning.

Back in the bedroom, she began to sift through the piles of clothes strewn about. They were all clean, mind you. She just didn’t have the time to properly put them away. As she pulled on the clingy pair of black jeans, her eyes darted about the room, looking for a top. “Ah, that will do nicely,” she thought as her eyes landed on a cute, white blouse.

Ten minutes later, she was in front of the mirror, slaying the monster. She gingerly applied only the subtlest bit of makeup. She smiled at herself. There, that was more like it. On her way out, she woke the computer from sleep and checked the weather again. Ugh, oh right, it’s supposed to rain. She pulled out her silk-patterned shoulder sling and carefully slid the print she had been working on all week into it. That should keep it safe from the elements.

At the door, she quickly surveyed the array of footwear strewn about. She pulled on a pair of bright, green-patterned rubber boots and then she was out the door.

She walked briskly down 42nd street on her way to her studio, mentally running through the tasks she would have to do today. Her eyes set forward, like a true New Yorker, she weaved in and out of the teeming sidewalk traffic. She paused at the corner on Third, waiting for the light to change. When the light turned green, she walked uptown. She knew this route like the back of her hand–she could probably do it blindfolded.

As she opened the heavy metal door to the studio, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and got ready for another day of unappreciated work. Little did she know, however, that 10 minutes prior, her bright green boots had caught the eye of a young, spry gentleman. As he walked behind her for the half-block stretch, he admired her outfit–how the bright green stood out against the black jeans and the flowery white blouse. And before he could work up the courage to utter a stupid little line to her, she was gone.

This story is dedicated to the cute girl in the green boots I saw today while walking to work.

He woke with the warmth of the early autumn sun on his face. A slight morning breeze fluttered through the sheer, embroidered curtains. As his eyes slowly began to focus, he was mildly startled at what he saw. He still wasn’t used to it–waking up next to the most beautiful woman in the world.

He admired her smooth, pale skin; her full, red lips. He was awed at the way her thin wispy bangs fell across her face just so. He cherished moments like these–silent, voyeuristic reveries–they were so few and far in between. It was in these scarce instances that he felt he could see straight through to her soul. He fought the temptation to stroke her soft, glowing cheek. And failed.

Her eyes fluttered open, a sweet, content smile spreading across her face. “Hey there handsome,” she purred. His heart skipped a beat. She took the opportunity to snuggle her face into his downy stubble. He wished that he could freeze this moment and live in it forever. He would want for nothing else but to just hold her here, just like this. Before he knew what happened, however, she had sprung out of the bed. “I gotta peeeeeee!” she squealed as she ran to the bathroom. Alas, nothing lasted forever.

He followed her into the bathroom. She looked shyly up at him as she stood up and flushed the toilet. She quickly shoved his toothbrush into his hand. They made silly faces at each other as they brushed, playfully shoving each other away from the sink in order to spit. As he dried his face, she slowly made her way out to the balcony, overlooking the empty streets below. He looked out from the bedroom and saw her lithe silhouette framed by the early morning sun. She looked almost angelic as the coastal breeze caused her silk robe to dance around her. He whistled.

She turned around with a sly smile on her face, beckoning to him with a curl of her finger. He made his way out to the balcony and embraced her from behind, enjoying the quiet of dawn together. As they surveyed the view before them, a lone car pulled up to the front of the building.

“Oh shit,” she exclaimed, “it’s my husband!”

She was tired. It was another long night playing grabass with the Professor. She didn’t even care about his stupid research. She could give two shits about the implicit effect of blahblah on yaddayadda. If it weren’t for the meager weekly stipend she got from the position, she would tell him to shove it all up his blubbery ass.

They say that kids who go straight into PhD programs after their undergraduate work are just cowards–taking refuge at a university because they are too scared to face the “real world.” Obviously, “they” had never been a struggling graduate student. How could it get any more real than this? After her one hour train ride home at one in the morning, a paper was waiting to be written. She would be lucky if she could get to bed by the asscrack of dawn. As she mused on this absurd notion of a life, the punctuated rhythm of the train slowly lulled her to sleep.

She woke with a start. There was a strong, sour odor permeating her nostrils. She looked up to see a sweaty, chubby teen leering at her. He grinned and focused his attention back to the subway map behind her. She tried not to breathe. He yelled something in Spanish back to his cohorts and before he swaggered away, she saw his eyes try to peer down her blouse. Great. Another future upstanding citizen.

Unable to fall back asleep, she took a survey of the subway car. These people had more in common with her than any of her classmates. This motley crew was made up of the downtrodden–the struggling bottom of the barrel. Sitting in the corner was a Mexican in paint-splattered clothes and dirty workboots, a drop of drool hanging precariously out the corner of his open mouth. There was a young woman, still in her waitress uniform, cradling the head of her small child in her lap. To her right, a homeless man muttered to himself, cradling his belongings in a dusty duffel bag.

Her eyes were drawn back to the loud teenagers at the far end of the car. They couldn’t have been any more than fifteen. A couple of them were smoking, ignoring the bright red signs plastered all over the car. When she was their age, she would already have been sleeping soundly in her bed, homework done, waiting neatly in her packed bookbag.

“Last stop!” bellowed the unintelligible loudspeaker.

Wearily, she got up, slung her bag over her shoulder and made her way home.

The setting: an asian urban city. Not sure which, but it could be hong kong or singapore.

Apparently, I’m on a trip with church people. I know them all even though I don’t recognize them now that I think about it. We’re doing all kinds of fun stuff on our tour of the city. Including riding on a yacht around the bay of the city.

While we’re on the yacht, we see a white-water raft falling from above. Apparently, its like sky diving, a bunch of people fall of out of a plane in an inflatable raft and float (kinda fast) down to the water. It looks uber fun. So as the yacht lands, we’re all getting ready to get off the boat. Then this girl comes over to talk to me. I kinda forget what we talk about, but I think we’re talking about the inflatable raft and how cool it was.

I notice the Ray standing off to the side, waiting for the conversation to end.

So the conversation ends and she approaches me with a shy smile. “Are you having fun?” she asks. I reply that I’m having a great time. We share some small talk for some time while walking near the back of the group. (I really don’t remember what we talk about since what’s coming up shadows it all.) All of a sudden, there’s a brief pause in the conversation.

As awkwardness creeps into the conversation, she says “By the way…” she then leans over close, and whispers in my ear.

I can smell her hair, I can feel her warmth, I can smell the scent of her skin as she leans in. I feel her breath as she whispers,

“I love you too.”

The world stops. My heart stops. Did I hear her correctly? She couldn’t have just said what I thought she did. I look at her, and she is the most beautiful I have ever seen her. She smiles at me like she knows a secret.

“Um… wh-what… what did you say?” I manage to stammer.

“You heard me,” she says with an air of confidence as her smile broadens.

“Are you serious? I mean, really? Really and truly? But…”

She nods like a fool with the crazy smile on her face.

And then it hits me. This is for real. It’s finally for-fucking-real.

“But how?”

“I overheard it when you left your mic on last week.”

(Apparently what she says is in reference to a dream I had some time ago, which I don’t really remember, but when she refers to it, it strikes some sort of remembrance in me. Apparently I hooked up my mic, and was recording some stuff. And I left it on while talking to Mike or Al or something, and she heard me talking about her. The funny thing is, I didn’t realize I left it on in the dream.)

“Wow.” is all I can think. I just stand there staring at her. She is so fucking beautiful. The tears start streaming down my cheeks. I can’t believe it.

Then for some reason, in the dream, I break into 3 different scenarios of what happens next.

1. I fall on my knees and thank God for this moment. She starts to cry as well. I then get up and hold her.

2. She slowly approaches me, puts her arms around me, and holds me tight.

3. I do the same to her.

And the dream continues from scenario 3. After holding each other for what seems like forever. We realize we have to catch up to the group. Holding hands (omfg) we start briskly after the group. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Everything has finally fallen into place.

A million questions run through my head. I’m still reeling from her revelation. I don’t even see the scenery as we run by. All I sense is the way it feels to hold her hand, to run beside her, to know that we are running together in life. And thats all I need.

All of a sudden, we’re in a parking garage, catching up on the group. And I manage to get a question out, “Bu-But what about Will?” And instantly I regret the question. Why am I so dumb? Of all the things to say, why would I remind her of her boyfriend?

Fortunately for me, she takes it in stride. Becuase I am still reeling from before, I don’t really hear everything she says, but the pieces I pick up comfort me. “After hearing what you said…I thought about it…I realized…wanted to be with you…even though I don’t know how it will turn out, I have a feeling it will be great…why do you think I came on this trip?”

The rest of the dream is a blur. Running around with her, having her beside me, having an amazing time.

And all of a sudden, I’m in the Lexus, parked by the side of the road. Waiting. For what or who I don’t really know. But I do. Because a second later she pokes her head through the passenger window, smiles at me, and asks, “Ready to go?” My reply, “of course, anywhere with you.” She giggles and gets in. I look at her and realize again how beautiful she is. It kills me.

She puts her hand on top of mine, and I pull the car out. We drive to the end of the block, make a right at the intersection, and drive off together.

The End.

(Sorry a lot of the story is disjointed and blunt. I didn’t want to spend time making it flow and making it “sound good” because I wanted to get it down before it started to fade. And I don’t want to edit it now, because I want to keep it the way it is, raw and true.

But I will never forget that moment on the pier. That will stay with me forever.)