You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?†Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time you don’t even know what the commercial is… there’s people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. I’m like, that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time. You keep hearing about these terrorist masterminds that are being killed over in the Middle East. Terrorist masterminds. Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think? They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack. And you get on the bus and you blow yourself up.â€
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…â€
“Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?â€
Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time. Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic like it’s polio. Like we’ll be telling our grandkids about it one day:
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?â€
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.â€
Sometimes you’ve got to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft? Of course not. You’ve got to spend a lot of time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start thinking,
“I’m going to take over the world with computers! You’ll see, I’ll show them.â€
We’re in one of the richest countries in the world, but the minimum wage is lower now than it was thirty five years ago. There are homeless people everywhere. This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard. People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it. Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money. He looks right at the homeless guy and goes why don’t you go get a job you bum. People always say that to homeless guys, get a job, like it’s always that easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date. I’m predicting some problems during the interview process. I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants†policy. Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.
Excerpts from
“Underwear Goes Inside the Pants” - Lazyboy. I suggest you download it. By the way, this song was sooo made for Dennis, lol.
On a somewhat related note, there’s this bum situated near Times Square whose sign reads, “Why lie? I need money for beer.” Awesome.
