I generally display a sunny disposition. This is not a lie. I am, for the most part, a happy person. But some times… some times I find myself three toes deep in the darkness, looking back and wondering what’s holding me back from casting myself into it and letting its fiery, icy embrace envelop me.
There are moments in my life that stand out, striking because of their extraordinary sharpness of focus. It isn’t the vividness of the memory or the strength of emotion, it’s the clarity of mind that is arresting. There is nothing specific revealed, no grandstanding epiphany; it’s just a feeling of complete and unadulterated freedom of will. It’s an adrenaline rush. It feels as if I am driven from within; to what, even I don’t know.
It’s during these short-lived moments that it feels like I’m a spectator in my own life–twice removed from my mortal coil–able to observe all the little things that I had been previously too close to see. Things that seemed so important before are exposed to be just insignificant whims of the mind. I often seem to lose sight of the big picture: the overarching purpose behind it all.
But that’s the weird part about these moments of lucidity, I don’t actually see the big picture. I feel it. It’s hard to explain. I am not given a vision of what’s out there for me, but it feels as if there is something pushing me towards it. I know it’s out there. I can feel it.
I had an epiphany last night in the shower (yes, that is where all my major thinking gets done).
It is common knowledge that while I am currently single, I’ve got a bunch of female friends that I am very close with. I get along really well with these ladies but I don’t find any of them attractive. Don’t get me wrong, most of them are attractive. I am aware that they are pretty, cute, etc. No, I’m not gay. I think it’s mostly that I’ve gone past the point of no return on an emotional level, and we’re just… past that. Anyway, you may be wondering what the epiphany was by now. I had to make sure I provided a little backstory before I dropped it on you. Anyway, here it is:
If you added all of my girl friends together into one amalgamated super girl, I would have the perfect girlfriend.
Let me explain. I realized that while I am really close with all of these girls, my conversations with them tend to revolve around a certain aspect of my life. I trust them all with all the aspects of my life, but it just seems that for certain subjects, I go to certain friends. One of them gets all my music talk, another one, TV. I’ve got a girl friend for all the “guy” talk (sex, drugs and rock and roll). Another one gets my more feminine side–I’m sorry, I meant sensitive side. I’ve even got one girl friend for the church side of me. I’m telling you, I’ve got one for everything. Now if you put all these girls together, and joined them a la the Power Rangers Megazord, you would find my perfect girlfriend.
That was quite possibly the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever had. Girls, if you’re reading this, I would never want to combine you with anybody else and you are in no way just a part of a super-awesome whole. I love you exactly the way you are <3.
Frustrated. Confused. Ecstatic. Trying to remain in control. Annoyed. Wondering where it’s going to go from here. It’s business time. Sometimes, I can’t stop staring. Not really sure what I want. Scared. I’m different. Is it too much? Want to cut down. No I don’t. New car shopping! It’s getting bad because I’m starting to miss her. It’s not the her you think. Or is it? I wish I were made of money. Growing up and all the responsibilities that come with it. It was a nice weekend. That was a nice feeling. I love it when I hear it. I can’t help by smile sometimes. I hope you don’t notice. Or maybe I hope that you do. Low self esteem. Busy. Juggling. Not over it? GTA. BSG. COD. TV. These are the acronyms that possess my life. Perhaps some distance is needed. W is visiting soon!
Everything always becomes clearer when you take a step back and take a look at the big picture. Of course, it helps that when you take your step back, you’re already standing about 3 miles away from the issue.
In one of my many sessions with my “clients,” I thought about the situations she was relating, and I thought to myself, “the solution is so obvious!” And as I thought about it a little more, I had a sense of déjà vu. I remember having almost the exact same issue and going about it completely wrong. In hindsight, I was a complete dolt for taking that route. Why hadn’t I seen the “obvious” solution?
It sucks being too close to the situation. It sucks when your feelings get in the way of objectivity. Your mind and every part of you may be screaming to run the other way, but your heart will pull you back every time. You can see yourself, horrified, doing what you know is the wrong thing, but you can’t do anything about it, because you know your heart will always have the last say. God help us, we’re just not strong enough.
It’s easy to judge when you’re observing a situation through binoculars. But if you get close enough, you’ll realize it’s never simple. And it’s never easy.
I’ve been noticing lately that a lot of people have been coming to me for advice. This seems to happen to me in phases–phases, it seems, that coincide whether or not I am in a relationship. When I am single, it seems I am also a part-time therapist. The couch in my room has even been described by A as her “therapy chair.”
It’s no easy feat being a part-time therapist–especially when you have multiple clients. See, I’m a good friend, but when you’re managing three hysterical friends at the same time, the drama has a way of catching up to you. No, I’m not telling you to stop telling me your problems. But if I have to hear about how that boy did you wrong one more time, I’m going to have to start charging an hourly rate.
But when I think about it, it doesn’t make sense. Why do so many people come to me for advice? I am not wildly successful, I am not in a happy relationship and generally, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing or where I’m going. But people still seem to trust my judgment and advice.
I feel like a fraud when I dispense advice. I try to tell them that I am no better off than them, and that they should take it with a grain of salt, but they still keep coming back for more. Maybe I am just better with managing other people’s lives rather than my own.
