clear rants

It’s time to throw caution to the wind–no more holding back. I’m going to take a walk on the wild side, kick ass and take no prisoners. Life just isn’t worth living without a little risk and danger.

From this moment forward, I’m going to start doing Sudoku with a pen.

Yeah, I know. I’m a badass.

I push it all down. I try to smile. What’s past is passed. There’s nothing left but to look forward. Push it all down. Now is not the time. What was left in Pandora’s Box? Hope. Hope that things will get better. Let’s just put it behind us. Push it all down. Breathe. Smile. Hope.

But the hope gets squashed every time. It’s hard to be an optimist when every time you get your hopes up, they get dashed. I don’t know for how much longer I can push it down and try to move on. I feel like if I just have hope: that things will get better; that they will somehow approach normalcy–then it’ll all be easier. I will be able to put it behind me. I will not have to push it down, because it will be gone. I will smile again.

I can’t give up. I have faith. Please don’t let me be wrong.

My mind has been rotting for the past couple of months. All I’ve been doing is watching loads and loads of television. It was good television, mind you, but it was mind-numbing entertainment nonetheless. The only thing keeping my brain going was the daily sudoku puzzle, reading blogs, and the intellectual stimulation I got from talking to her.

Then came the end of May, and with that, season and series finales–what an amazing couple of weeks. However, what goes up, must come down. As soon as the season of Lost ended, I found myself at a loss as to what to do. Luckily, I was semi-prepared for this: I had ordered some books a couple of months ago, and started to dig in.

“Oh yeah, reading is fun!” I seem to always forget how fun it is to read for pleasure. I finished the first book in a day and a half. My Friend Leonard by James Frey was pretty damn good, even for a pink book. I read it on the toilet, on the subway, and at work. Sure, at first I was little self-conscious carrying around a pink book, but hey, it was worth it.

Reading made me want to write again. So I decided to revamp We Don’t Smell as well as this blog. So here we are: two beautiful sites, just waiting to be filled with my delicious thoughts.

However, this mental reawakening hasn’t been all good. My creative side wasn’t the only thing that has revived; the overanalyzations are back again as well. And let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. I hate it when this happens. I just feel like shit and just dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole. And for what? Nothing. What’s the point? Everybody gets stressed out, hurt, and pissed.

My mind is indeed a two-edged sword. It’s funny how the past repeats itself. I didn’t even realize that it was happening to me again until it was too late. It’s time to look back and take my own advice. Stop thinking and just do. Just feel. And live life.

But that’s just naive, isn’t it? If only life were that easy.