clear rants

I saw this on sarajane’s xanga, and thought I’d give it a try. Google “[insert your name here] needs” and see what it says.

What Google says about”Clarence needs”

1. Clarence needs your help
2. Clarence needs his specially-adapted van and a driver
3. Clarence needs £100000 a year, mostly for 24-hour care cover
4. Clarence needs your support to complete more DNA testing that will prove he is innocent
5. Clarence needs to give his good friend a piece of his mind
6. Clarence needs to visit the vet
7. Clarence needs to get into better conditioning but has soft hands and the tools to be a very good player
8. Clarence needs advice on how to handle the situation
9. Clarence needs to learn that round pegs don’t fit in square…
10. Clarence needs to rescue Doris by chasing the Beach Bruiser all over the island!

Sorry I was just going to do 10, but this is fun, so here’s some more:

11. Clarence needs to clean up his work area.
12. Clarence needs plastic surgery
13. Clarence needs Jewish support in Crown Heights if he wants to hold on to power
14. Clarence needs a swing of 5.6 per cent to fall to the Coalition
15. Clarence needs work on about a third of his scalp

And here’s one from me: Clarence needs your support and if you can spare some, a little prayer. Thanks.

I felt like writing a new entry, but couldn’t think of anything to write about, so I’m writing about the first thing I saw on my desk:

My thoughts on the subject (in a handy list format!):

1. Curiously strong? Damn straight! The first time I had an Altoid, I thought to myself, “That’s a strong mint! But, why!?!”

2. I think Altoids is a pretty bad name for something you put in your mouth. The name Altoids sounds like ‘roids. That ain’t tasty.

3. Mentha Piperita. I always wondered where the peppermint flavor came from. The only image that popped into my mind were those peppermints you get as you leave a restaurant. Now I know that the flavor comes from a pretty weak looking plant with raspberry-like protrusions. I still prefer those cute, round little candies.

4. Ent. Stationer’s Hall: I have no idea what that means. Perhaps it is the secret rendezvous point for British secret agents the world over. (Note to self: google map “Ent. Stationer’s Hall.”)

5. Nutrition Facts on the back: Total Fat: 0g, Sodium: 0mg, Total Carb: 2g, Protein: 0g. Conclusion: Altoids not Atkins friendly; apparently, they are all carbs.

6. Serving size: 3 pieces. Now I don’t know about you, but one piece is usually enough to make my mouth minty fresh. This 3 piece serving size is probably due to the fact that British people are known to have chronic halitosis (uber bad breath). Brush your teeth you bloody wankers!

7. After the Altoids are made in Great Britain, they are brought over to East Hanover, NJ for distribution. Let’s thank the British for trying to combat the stench of New Jersey. Kudos.

8. That is all. So ends the lamest entry ever. Thank you.