It’s amazing how one can be so happy and so sad at the same time. What’s even more amazing is that these two polar extremes are caused by the same thing. Funny, how even though it wrenches our heart just about as much as it makes us jump for joy (or maybe more), there’s not one thing we would change about it becuase it’s so fucking worth it.
I don’t even know why I’m writing about this now, it doens’t describe how I feel right now at all. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me right now. Maybe a little of the above. Maybe.
I need to stop being so dramatic and cerebral. I need to stop making shit up too.
The other night, a bunch of us were discussing what I will heretofore refer to as the “Ghost Ring Phenomenon.” Perhaps I should clue you in as to what this is before any further discussion. The Ghost Ring Phenomenon is that sensation you get in your leg that feels like the phone in your pocket is vibrating/ringing, but when you go to check it, it’s not.
Perhaps we have already lost the girls. I don’t think girls know what I’m talking about due to the fact that most of them do not carry their cell-phones in their pocket, opting rather to be more health-conscious (and/or vain) and keep their phones in their bags. But back to us guys who know what the hell is going on. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Out of the four guys present at the initial discussion, all four of us have experienced the ghost ring on a consistent basis.
Is the ghost ring phenomenon an actual physical malady? Or is it just our mind playing tricks on us–an attempt to convince us we are more popular than we really are. I always thought I was alone in this, my own personal weird leg twitch thing, but apparently I’m not, so I would like to extend this invitation to all the people who have experienced the Ghost Ring to throw their two cents in.
The other night, a bunch of us were discussing what I will heretofore refer to as the “Ghost Ring Phenomenon.” Perhaps I should clue you in as to what this is before any further discussion. The Ghost Ring Phenomenon is that sensation you get in your leg that feels like the phone in your pocket is vibrating/ringing, but when you go to check it, it’s not.
Perhaps we have already lost the girls. I don’t think girls know what I’m talking about due to the fact that most of them do not carry their cell-phones in their pocket, opting rather to be more health-conscious (and/or vain) and keep their phones in their bags. But back to us guys who know what the hell is going on. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Out of the four guys present at the initial discussion, all four of us have experienced the ghost ring on a consistent basis.
Is the ghost ring phenomenon an actual physical malady? Or is it just our mind playing tricks on us–an attempt to convince us we are more popular than we really are. I always thought I was alone in this, my own personal weird leg twitch thing, but apparently I’m not, so I would like to extend this invitation to all the people out there who have experienced the Ghost Ring to throw their two cents in.
Peace, Love, and the Ghost Ring,
Clear Pants Rainheart 
Sometimes, I wish I was more than I am. I just can’t help feeling so weak, pathetic and powerless. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you want something so bad you can feel the ghost of its texture and weight within your grasp, but can do nothing at all to actualize this desperate yearning.
Why must I be limited to myself? Why can’t I be constrained by a slightly better person? Why have I been confined to this prison of limitations? If only I was stronger, smarter, better looking, taller, etc. The list goes on forever. Perhaps it must take much introspection and self-actualization to achieve what I really desire. But I feel that no matter what I do, there will always be that one thing that’ll be completely out of reach.
But then, there are those times when I am content that I am defined by my limitations; they make me who I am. If, perhaps, one day I decided to break free of such bonds, would I be the same person? Sure, I would have achieved that “betterment” of the person–the achievement of reaching a new plateau in life, but would it be worth the loss of me? I’m on the verge of redundant reiteration (is that redundant?), so I will try to be more concise:
A better person simply wouldn’t be me, because I’m just not that better person. I’m just me–just as I am–with all my faults and limitations. And maybe, just maybe, you and a handful of other people happen to find these faults endearing. You crazy motherfuckers.
I wish I could change the world for you.
It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Desperate Housewives (thanks, of course, go to H for her constant praise of the show). I was watching it last night around 5 am, as I am wont to do, when the following quote caught my eye (or in this case, ear).
Yes, life is a journey. One that is much better traveled with a companion by our side. Of course, that companion can be just about anyone: a neighbor on the other side of the street, or the (wo)man on the other side of the bed. The companion can be a mother with good intentions, or a child who’s up to no good. Still, despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way, and then the journey becomes unbearable. You see, human beings are designed for many things. But loneliness isn’t one of them.
Awesome. I couldn’t put it any better. Damn loneliness and the depression that usually follows.
Not that I am currently lonely or depressed or anything. I just know the feeling.
Shit. I really need to get this crap out of my head. I don’t know how it got in there, but its annoying the hell out of me.
The human mind is a tricky creature. Often it creates monsters that run loose and do nothing but leave mass destruction in their wakes. This is so stupid. Am I really that bored with my life that my mind feels like it needs to create drama to fill the void? I know, in the logical part of my mind, that this is utterly ridiculous. But, that other, completely uncontrollable part of my mind is trying to make me think otherwise. Ugh.
I need a mental reboot.
This is what I did tonight:
…and don’t forget the uber opening act:
(Yay for EP’s signed by the entire band!)
Afterwards, we ordered a couple of pizzas and watched Primer again (a movie I suggest you check out. Veeeeery interesting). Unfortunately, I am still a little deaf and sore all over. But eh, what can you do?
And just for fun, here’s a cute picture of W next to my hole in the wall:
Peace, Love, and jew / tbs / the format,
Clear Pants Rainheart
PS - If you would like some music by The Format, just IM me and I’ll provide you with a link to their albums <3
This “morning,” as I was mussing up my hair in front of the mirror, I remembered a conversation I had with my mother over spring break. It went a little something like this:
Mom: Why does your hair look so messy?
Me: Oh that’s how I wear it now…
Mom: (grimacing) Why? It’s ugly!!
Me: Oh come on, its not that bad.
Mom: It’s ugly.
I don’t know why I think that’s so funny.
In other news, I saw this little Chinese toddler walking with her father on campus today, she was enraptured by some kid’s sneakers and stopped walking just to stare at his shoes. It was pretty damn cute.
That is all.
Peace, Love, and all that good stuff,
Clear Pants Rainheart
This kid, L from Stuy, decided to put together a giant email list with everyone he could find from our graduating class of 2001. His purpose, to update everyone on what he’s been up to and encourage others to do the same–an e-reunion if you will. Genius. It’s great to hear what everyone’s been up to.
Only problem is, I went to Stuy, where talent and achievement is the norm, and great things are expected of its alums. It seems the people who have so far replied haven’t disappointed in the least. Here’s an except from R’s email:
I’m hoping to get a travel fellowship from Harvard to go to Eastern Europe for next year to follow my grandfather’s life through his autobiography (Ukraine, Russia, Moldova etc.) and translate it into English. Keeping my fingers crossed for the money – I won’t know till May though…
…We spent all year helping to start up a project to renovate Gorongosa National Park in Mozambique, which endured some massive destruction and loss of species diversity over the past 20 years of civil war in the country. It’s a pretty cool project to be working on. We even went to South Africa for spring break to study parks there which was really amazing.
Here’s an excerpt from E’s email:
Right after I graduated I got a job as Economic Analyst for the premier economic consulting firm for the music and film industries. It’s a really cool job and I get to work with some cool people (just finished a project for Lionel Richie, starting something with R. Kelly soon, etc.).
Crazy overachieving bastards. Heh, I’m just kidding. I’m proud of my fellow alum, and just a little disappointed in myself that I have so far achieved nothing even remotely close to my classmates. I mean, today I watched 3 tv shows and 3 anime episodes. I’m totally on the same level (rolls eyes).
Anyway, here’s to an interesting life… (hopefully).
Last night I dreamt that I walked with you hand in hand. I don’t remember where we walked, all I remember was how good it felt to hold your hand. Too bad I have no idea who you are.
Maybe next time you could leave your name and number.
Peace, Love and mystery dream girls,
Clear Pants Rainheart
