clear rants

Damnit. I’ve done it again. I’ve allowed myself to sink deep into the depths of despondency. What else is new right? But the problem here is that I’ve let it seep into my xanger–something I’ve vowed never to do again. Enough of the bitching, whining, complaining about love and life. No one likes teenage angst, especially coming from a twenty-something teenager.

I don’t like how people can tell that I’m not doing so well simply by the tone of my voice. It’s disarming. I’m hoping something providential will happen soon that’ll pull me out of this funk. I mean, my birthday and Chinese New Year’s are coming up soon (on the same day). That’s gotta mean something.

Here’s me hoping.

Peace, Love, and serendipity,
Clear Pants Rainheart

I’ve figured it all out. The bottom line is that I’m a masochist. Pure and simple. Duh. What took me so long to figure it out?

Apparently, I find joy in pwning myself.

Peace, Love and self-discovery,
Clear Pants Rainheart

Don’t you hate that feeling when you know have so much to say but it just refuses to come out? It seems I’ve lost the channel between my mind and my fingertips. My thoughts have become mired in my subconscious, struggling to break free. But they just… can’t. They’re just there–bubbling under the surface.

It’s like when you open your mouth to scream, but all that comes out is a weak gasp.

I’ll find you again. I swear.

Peace, Love and a strong voice,
Clear Pants Rainheart

So along the lines (haha, get it?) of my last entry, here’s some more complaining about the oh-so-frustrating state of love.

The way I see it, love and the relationships that revolve around it should be simple. Let’s look at it objectively: boy likes girl and girl likes him back. What do you think should happen? Boy and girl get together, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Logical conclusion right? Here’s a visual representation of this simple formula (please don’t hate on my artwork).

Unfortunately, in the real world, it does not work out so well. Other things get added into the formula which make it complicated and stupid. Factors such as distance, age, race, financial status, and religion (just to name a few) like to get in the way and muck up this simple formula. And then there are those other problems when boy likes girl and girl likes boy #2, and so on. Here is a diagram of how it works in the real world:

That just makes me sad. Why can’t love just be simple and easy? Why must it cause so many problems and drama for everyone? Well, at least I get to draw little stupid little diagrams about it. It almost makes it bearable. Almost.

Peace, (simple) love, and stupid little diagrams,
Clear Pants Rainheart

P.S. I have just used “boy” and “girl” for the sake of simplicity. Feel free to make it girl+girl, boy+boy, smurf+smurf, etc. Whatever floats your boat.

I have this friend. She has this boyfriend. And from what she’s told me (even the so-called “negative” things about him), he’s perfect. Good for her, right? Awesome. But it doesn’t stop there. Not only does she have a perfect boyfriend, she has a bloody line of perfect guys just waiting for their chance to hand in their resumes.

I have this other friend. While she currently does not have a boyfriend, she also has a line. However, her line is filled with ghetto guys who have no business being on her line. It’s like she’s offering free chicken or something (oh snap!) But, you know, at least she has a line.

So as we were discussing this over a fine Applebee’s lunch, I thought it would be witty (and maybe even clever) to say, “Haha, well at least you guys have lines. There are so few people on my line that I’ve fallen asleep at my table!” Funny right? I thought so–for a whole, mind-numbing second. But as I was guffawing at my stupid joke, it hit me. That’s not funny at all. It’s just… sad.

Where’s my line?

Peace, love, and free chicken,
Clear Pants Rainheart

Note: I am not looking for a line at all–just that one perfect applicant. But its just depressing when you look at your line and all you see are balls of tumble weed merrily bouncing along.

I love saying those words. I just love it when I’m listening to a song I know like the back of my hand, the anticipation builds up, and then it comes… my favorite part of the song. And then I settle back in my chair, my bed, your arms, whatever, and savor the moment.

I know all of you have songs where there’s a part in it that you absolutely love and you simply must enjoy it in silence. You know, that part with the piano solo, or maybe its a guitar solo, or maybe its that part where the singer hits an exceptionally high minor note. Or maybe the lyrics are just so biff that you have to let your brain absorb those words like a sponge.

Best of all is when you’re not expecting to hear the song, but once it plays, you say to yourself, “Oh word, this is my shit” (especially when you haven’t heard it in ages). And then your favorite part hits and BAM, you’re in heaven.

So please take a second out of your busy day, queue up one of your favorite songs, and wait for that part (yes, that part), and let the music heal your soul.

Peace, love, and awesome music,
Clear Pants Rainheart

I’ve come to the conclusion that so much happens during break that making a list is the only way to capture all the yummy goodness that occurs during my days. Maybe I’ll write a “real” entry next. We’ll see. But for now, here’s another list. How fun for you.

1. I’m officially a shopaholic. It’s kinda fun and not fun at the same time. I think i’ve spent almost $200 in the past 3 days alone. I’ve been to the mall and SoHo TWICE in the past 3 days. That’s gross.

2. I’m the biggest doofus in the world. On Sunday, I lost my left contact. After 40 minutes of searching, I give up. My parents find it later that night. Also on Sunday, I get out of my car, feel my pocket and go to Jenn, “OH SHIT! I think I left my keys in the car!” I proceed to freak out until I realize the keys are in my hand. Yesterday I lose the right contact lens and spend almost 2 hours looking for it. Gave up again ’cause Mark and Nick were waiting for me. Parents found it again later that night. Those beasts.

3. I like to read good books. I am currently obsessed with The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. It is such a good book. The other night, I was going to read a chapter before I went to bed. I ended up reading for 4 hours.

4. I like to eat good food. Al, Jerry, Mei, Mel, Wendy and I went to Saigon Grill tonight. I totally beasted. It feels good to eat a lot, but only when its good food. That’s the principal principle of my diet, don’t eat unless it’s totally worth it.

5. It feels good to figure stuff out. At the Met today we noticed that the swords on display were magically floating there, and we couldn’t figure out how they got it to float like that. And then I figured it out. It felt damn good.

6. Something Corporate is a delicious band. Thanks to all the people who suggested I give them a listen. For some reason, I can only remember Elmo. Thanks Elmo.

7. My giddiness rubs off on people. Last night, Al was the uber giddy. She couldn’t stop laughing for what seemed like a good 20 minutes. She blamed it on the “funny” chicken. Like Popeye’s would really spike their fried chicken. She’s just fronting like she didn’t get her giddiness form me.

8. I wanna live in a (crazy) nice place in the city. Tonight, Al, Jerry, Mei and I visited Acacia at her aunt’s place right ON Broadway (and 4th) in NoHo. The place was siiiiick. The loft was so big and the place was so freaking nice. I mean, the elevator opens up right into their apt! You can’t push a button in the elevator without putting your key in first. That’s coool. And guess who lives on the floor above? Macauly Culkin!

9. I’m an anomaly. I’ve had a lot of people tell me stuff, and then they go, “Well, ok, maybe not you, you’re different.” I’m happy. I’m almost one of a kind. I’m just that cool.

10. I am the straight version of Will Truman. Me and Al are like Will and Grace, except I’m straight. It’s really fun, haha. Except all these people have suspicions that I’m gay since I cry during movies and say stuff like “I saw a hot dominican guy on the subway today” (seriously though, he was def model quality). I’m really not gay guys. I know because I really like girls. At most, I’m metrosexual, but I doubt even that. I’m just cool. And straight.

Yeah, I only felt like writing 10 because I couldn’t really think of anything else to talk about. Happy New Year + a week or so!!

Peace, love, and Zach Braff,
Clear Pants Rainheart