I think it’s that time of year when I turn the magnifying glass within and take a rusty old knife and dig out all the shit that I’ve been letting fester and rot inside. Right, so here’s a bunch of not so clear rants. We’ll just let this shit flow out, like severe diarrea.
I feel like all my life I’ve been in a shell: a self-imposed prison perpetuated by my sheltered upbringing, my introvert personality, and my unimposing frame. And I can’t help but feel like I’m just a boring person. I feel like I have nothing to say, and when I do, I’m too intimidated to speak my mind. I don’t enjoy the same things that everyone else does. I’m not a drinker and I’m not a partier. I mean, sure, I do like to dance and everything, but I guess I’m not the best in social situations. I think I’ll just stick to my room in front of the mirror.
My biggest fear is that one day, all my friends will wake up and realize that I am a boring person and have nothing at all to offer them. Sometimes I find it an impossibility that people would even want to be friends with me.
You may think that that’s an irrational fear. But I really do worry. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and I realize that, with the exception of my parents, I am alone in this world. I guess that’s why I treasure my friends so much and I’m always just trying to please them. I know it sounds dumb, but that’s just the way I am. My dad is also a “pleaser.” I think that’s where I get it mostly. We’re so eager to please and to avoid confrontation, to be liked, that sometimes we allow people to walk all over us.
Anyway, so I guess sometime in high school, I looked at my life and decided I needed to make a change. Because frankly, this would not fly… anymore. I started being more outgoing, trying to be more friendly, and I think I’ve changed a lot since my awkward adolescent days. But I still have a ways to go. On the bright side, I think that I am finally being able to enjoy life and be myself; I’ve started to care less about what other people think.
But when it comes down to it, I’m still a quiet, little, chinese boy. My shyness still pisses me the fuck off. I mean, why can’t I be like other people and just be myself around complete strangers? Why am I afraid to even talk to new people? And while I’ve made a lot of progress in being more open and friendly, I don’t really have the time to work on it. Job interviews are coming up and I’m not gonna get jobs being a shy little boy. I need to exert myself and show them that I’ve got personality. I mean, I think that I’m a pretty cool person, but you just need to get to know me. And where I am right now, that really can’t happen in the limited time of an interview.
Thinking about a career makes me think about my indeterminate future. What if I can’t get a job? Am I even going into the right career? What the fuck am I going to do in my life?? I hate thinking about the future; too many bleak and dreary possibilites to think about. It just gets me depressed. Which is why I prefer to live in the present. But that’s not the best thing in the world.
Alright, I am definitely starting to ramble on now, and I’m starting to not make much sense any more. So this self-deprecation is going to stop now, and I guess it was good to get it off my chest. My manly chest. Harhar.
Oh yes, I purposely made this entry uber long so that probably only those who really care about me would read it. Everybody else who doesn’t really care would probably just be intimidated by such an imposing entry and just move on. So if you’re still reading, thanks. I really appreciate that you’re in my life and that you care. And if you were just bored and decided to read my random ramblings, then sorry if I disappointed you. Oh yeah, comments/props are disabled, because I’m too self-concious to hear what you people have to say about this entry.
One more thing. I don’t think like this all the time. I’m generally an uber happy person. It’s just when I get into one of my “moods,” I begin to overanalyze and feel like shit. So don’t worry about me. Really. I’m good. I just needed to get some shit off my chest. My manly chest. Harhar.
Har. We are t3h awesome.
